As I Lay Dying

I'm so damn sorry.

Believing in so much more.

All that you wanted

Dark pain to feed and sustain

Love, joy, just a distraction

I tried.

Who needs family

So long as there was you, me

Such a heavy load,

sacrificing everything

I get it.

It was all my fault

Dreaming took up too much space

So you burned it all

An innocent childhood

Floating embers on the wind

I failed.

Sorry for the mess

For my gasping, labored breath

Choking, constricting

For my hope, hidden sadness

Sorry for being sorry

I was a burden.

All the love that left

For you always knew better

How dare I complain

Your infallible wisdom

Late night piety that burned

I was weak.

How do i move on

Carrying the weight of you

Meat hooks dug in deep

My knees blown, my back straining 

I'll never be free of you

I am haunted

There's no concealer

No amount of fairy dust

To cover these scars

Punched out sockets, purple stains

The clicking in my shoulder

I am tempered glass.

I swallowed the son

Drowned in an ocean of screams

Spat into the loathsome void

While drifting endlessly

I am a reflection 

Destroyer goddess

Vindicated through self harm

Silenced orgasms

Terminal velocity

Scattered remains stinging eyes

I am legacy 

Time stretches ahead

Fresh pages in a journal

Liminal spaces

Watch me as I shed my skin

Flesh and sinew cast away

I am alight

...

Rant. (Feel Free To Ignore)

Let's file this under a loud WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

I am having a really bad day. I think I was shocked by Children's Hospital's recent decision to take it up the A$$ by the current administration and deny medical treatment for non-cis youths. The devastation that decision will cause makes me sick, to be honest. Those poor families. Have you ever lost someone to su!c!de? Ever been to a kids funeral? I have. It makes you hate things.

So I started spiraling. Alienated my friends, spent most of the night crying, slept like shit. I somehow made it to work and did well enough, but I broke down in tears like, six different times. I'm not sure how I got through the day. It all just kinda hit me at once:

 

I'm a woman. I'm trans. I'm from an immigrant family. I'm Roma. As an activist, I have publicly admonished and criticized the bad guys to their faces and on camera. I brought the fight to congress and literally told a US senator to go f*ck himself. I have spat on local a$$holes for writing hateful policies in the state where I live. So, everyday I leave the house wondering if 'today is the day' I'm either murdered, or disappeared, or deported. 

Every member of my family that I ever felt close to is dead, two of them violently. All my close friends are disappearing in one way or another. I can't earn a living wage no matter what I do. I don't feel safe anywhere. I have nowhere to go and no way to get there. Something is weird with my health recently, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to die alone. 

I worked so hard for so much of my life to try and make things better and all of it has either blown up in my face, or been completely undone by some knuckle-dragging P.O.S.

I take care of EVERYONE. Who's gonna take care of me? Why can't I take care of myself?

I feel cursed.

 

And I don't know how much more I can take.

 

...