4/30/25

Bouncer Cuts

 * The following is another excerpt from that novel project of mine that I had to put down for a while... It's the one about a guy with an inoperable brain tumor trying to live long enough to see his first novel get published? Well. This is a little snippet about the place where he likes to write.

Author's note: this story is set somewhere just before the year 2000, in my favorite place in the world: San Francisco.

~~~ 

    If you’ve ever flipped through a National Geographic or perused the Discovery Channel or – at least – been to high school, then you know; the ability to survive hinges on the ability to adapt.

This also holds true in the business world.

In defiant reaction to the past decade’s flailing economy, the city has begun to evolve by breaking out into a pandemic of creatively trendy, multi-purpose business establishments. It’s not a used book store anymore; it’s an art gallery with an espresso machine and a toaster that just happens to sell used books or, perhaps, it’s an ethnic “fusion” restaurant and bar with a cabaret license and an open mic. In this case however, the Brainwash is a laundromat cleverly disguised as an internet cafĂ© with a bi-weekly poetry night. Upon entering, you might notice the pseudo-iconic, religious candles lining the windows or that the ceiling is edged with terrifically cheesy red, star-shaped twinkle lights. Every available wall of this kitsch Shangri-La has been brightly indoctrinated with framed collages of old Maytag pin-up propaganda. All the tables and chairs, which look as though they were rescued from the city dump, are very purposely mismatched, reconditioned and then arraigned into careful disarray. If you close your eyes, and this is my favorite part, you might hear a lone saxophone preaching in time to the HUM-SH-SH of thirty plus washers or maybe even a few words from the gospel according to Miles Davis weaving in and around the FOOM-CHIK-FOOM of a double load dryer or, like now, the silent wisdom of a local cellist stuffed into a corner, weeping a quite halleluiah.

It’s brilliant, it’s convenient and it reeks pleasantly of fabric softener and coffee.

As I cross the brushed aluminum threshold of the Brainwash, it’s all I can do just to keep myself from genuflecting.



With a melodic THOONG, the door swings shut behind me, leaving the horror of my morning tied up alongside a disgruntled schnauzer and a cluster of messenger bikes. Amir, the resident java jock, shoots me the male head jerk of acknowledgement as I approach the counter.

“Hello Buddy!” His flawless, academic English is British crisp with Middle Eastern undertones. “And will we be writing today, my friend?” Like many writers, I indulge in a superstitious methodology.

“Hey Amir,” I say, slipping into a comfortable smirk, “Maybe. Is Sabreal around?” Six years ago, fresh out of college and with the ink still damp on my Lit degree, I stumbled into the Brainwash desperately seeking sanctuary from my overly exclamatory neighbors: “Oh Baby” and “Big Daddy.” The ensuing fit of inspiration sparked a series of sexually charged satire that ultimately lead to my inclusion in the prestigious literary anthology: “The Best Writers You’ve Never Heard Of: Volume Eighteen.”

I’ve been coming here every day since.

Amir dips down behind the register and pops back a second later with a beat-up old bowling bag held together with something like a thousand stickers of concerts past. “I think she is in the back, my friend. Shall I go fetch her for you?” I can never tell if his over-the-top customer service is amusingly genuine or amusingly sarcastic.

“No, that’s OK, man. Thanks.” I grab the bag and aim myself at a small, out of the way table set in direct diagonal of the staging area.

This time of day, the place is still fairly empty though, as always, there’s a line up of people suckling on the Brainwash’s WiFi teat, furiously texting their “BFFs” or squinting intensely into their laptops or tablets to download the day’s fix of Electronic Methadone.

We are America, the anesthetized.

Not that I’m any better. I once spent six lonely hours on a sleepless night instant messaging who I can only hope was some girl in Florence and not some unemployed shut-in living out some weird fantasy in his mother’s basement. Computers, the internet – they’re tools that help me obtain as much instant gratification as I can handle. My writing however, is art and half of that art is in the process, which is why I go through all the trouble of maintaining my Royal beauty.

It’s with the kind of pride usually reserved for new mothers that I unzip the bowling bag and along with a ream of paper, draw forth the fifty-pound, all-metal love of my life: Lenore. My typewriter. Comparing this marvelous machine to a laptop is like trying to compare Rodin’s “Thinker” to a blow-up doll.

There’s a single sheet of fresh paper rolled through the carriage with the word “The” typed boldly in the upper left-hand corner. Unfortunately, that “The” has been there for almost a week. Sighing, I tilt my chair into the wall behind me and let my eyes go out of focus, drifting… “The.” The what? The… day. What day?

“C’mon Lenore baby, talk to me.”

~~~

 

 

4/25/25

A Taste

The following is an out-of-context, random snippet: a taste (one of many to come), of a three part book series that I have been slowly working on. It is a passion project, born of a desire to preserve my familial history.

I am Romani, a product of two immigrant families that found their way to the United States in the early 1900's. I was raised by my mother's side, and specifically by our familial elders. During the first ten(?) or twelve-ish years of my life, I was blessed to have been more directly raised by the few remaining immigrant members of my family. 

They passed on to me our language, our culture and traditions (romanipen), and all the stories of my maternal clan -- who we were, where we came from, and how we ended up in 'America.' 

We were 'outsiders amongst outsiders,' because unlike much our community, we were only "Catholic on the outside." On the INSIDE, we were goddess worshiping pagans. "Kitchen witches, midwives and herbalists," according to my great, great aunts and uncles. Through them I learned divination, fortunetelling, and the ways of the Strega. We were closed and private about who we were, and hid in plain sight amongst the Italian Catholic neighborhoods we lived in.

I was often told; "It's up to you to keep our stories, add to them, and pass them on."

This was due in large part to the majority of their kids -- my great aunts and uncles -- deciding rather unilaterally to assimilate and 'just be Americans.' Many of them were unaware of our lineage as it was, and only passively passed on traditions they never thought to ask about. I don't really know why our elders let that happen, but I figure that they wanted a safer future for the family.

But because my elders parented me, they passed everything to me, because -- quite simply, I asked them to.

In the last maybe ten or so years of my life, as more and more of my family dies off, and especially as a part of the Roma movement towards our peoples' sovereignty as a stateless nation, my promise to pass on our story has felt more urgent. I am the last living member of my familial line -- on either side -- who still lives by and practices our traditions.

I do not have children. Never wanted any. So the problem then presented itself: how do I preserve, add to, and pass on my elder's stories? Our history??

Initially, I just wrote down the stories as they were told to me. But like any good artist, I asked myself; "why?" Why would anyone care about these stories? (Outside my family or the Roma community at large, that is). As we are a people almost completely unacknowledged here in the U.S., I could not think of an effective way to drum up interest and really 'share' it all.

So I sat on it and waited for inspiration to strike.

Meanwhile, I had started playing an RPG with my friends: "Vampire the Masquerade." I am a goth, (since the late 1980's, at least) and am a little obsessed with vampires. Or a lot. OK, I am a LOT obsessed with vampires. The lore, the horror, the romanticism -- all of it. Gimme.

So, obviously, I made my character an extreme version of myself. This got me thinking on her backstory. Well, I had JUST typed up my family stories, so I referenced them for inspiration. And that's when it hit me -- I could write a novel (or three. Why not three? Some of my most favorite authors wrote things in threes.) 

As I outlined my project, it evolved into "The Sacred Pilgrim;” a three part fantasy narrative that chronicles the life, death and rebirth of a Romani woman born into a world of adversity, magic and mysticism. 

This epic narrative, which begins just after world war 1 and is set in Sicily, follows the transformational journey of Aradia Medrano, birthed twice into surreal situations: once as the avatar of the Mother Goddess, and once as a powerful vampire. But not just any vampire. A creature from Romani folklore called a Mulo. A "Mulo" is born of pain and suffering and injustice all served up fresh on a wrongful death and an improper burial. 

You might be thinking "Revenant," and you'd be right -- sort of. When a poor soul rises from the grave to seek justice and/or revenge on those who wronged them in life, AND kills them by drinking their blood and then being cursed to roam the earth for all time, AANNNDDDD can only be stopped by their first born.... you get a Mulo. Or in my story's case, a Mula -- which is the feminine version. 

I employed the stories of my elders to serve as the backdrop and origin of my character, took the lore of the Mulo, and added the mysticism of my personal family lineage. It is many things, this book. It's folklore. It's historical fiction. It's fantasy. And -- it's horror.

On the outside.

On the inside, it is an attempt to decolonize my people. It is me sharing pieces of my culture. It is reclamation, preservation and metaphor. It is survivor's guilt, loss and compounding generational trauma. It is the universal human experience of discovering and embracing your truest self, against all odds. 

The first installment spans the early 1900’s, through the mid 1950’s. We follow Aradia through childhood being groomed for her destiny by her mother, a talented woman known as Mother Losna. We experience World War 2 through Aradia's eyes. Our hearts are lifted when she meets her husband, and when their daughter is born - and stand solemnly by her as she later grieves their tragic deaths. Who is the architect of so much loss? Is it the will of the universe, or the carefully laid plan of a vampire known only as Luna? When she offers Aradia - at her darkest hour - a chance for justice, will she accept? What lies ahead as the Vampire ends Aradia’s mortal life? Walk with her, as she journeys through the seven gates of the underworld on a path of self discovery and empowerment to see what finally rises from the grave.

~~~

    The Vampire Luna awoke just as the final rays of sunlight faded from the sky, like a switch had been flipped. She looked over at the woman next to her and rolled onto her side, spooning. The woman’s hair smelled like wildflowers, and Luna drank it in, as she lightly ran her fingers down the length of the woman’s nimble form. She reached over and gently cupped the woman's supple breast, feeling its weight in her hand; sinking deeper into the tangle of her thick, ebony locks. “I love you,” she sighed, nosing the woman’s ear. “From the first moment I saw you, I was lost forever.” Luna rolled flat onto her back, twirling soft curls around her finger. “But can you ever love me, though?” She sat up, leaning her head against the plush, overstuffed headboard and gazed up at the swirling, sheer pink fabric draped inside the top of the canopy. “I was so nervous when we finally met, you know? I remember playing the scenario over and over in my mind trying to think of the perfect opener.” She laughed then, feeling embarrassed. “I guess it doesn’t matter much now.” She swung her long, pale legs over the edge of her queen size poster bed, and stretched. “You said you’d walk with me, do you remember that?” She stood, gathered her pink, marabou robe off the edge of the bed, and slipped it on – it’s train billowing behind her – her skin shuddering under its decadently gossamer caress. She crossed the terrazzo floor of the master bedroom to the double glass doors leading out to the veranda, and drew back the heavy, magenta curtains. “That was two nights ago,” she called over her shoulder, pouting. She paused, turned back and took in the beauty of the brisk Palermo autumn night.

Did I do something wrong? She wondered.

From her villa, set deep against the hillside, the vampire could see the entire city spread out before her, like an extensive menu at a posh eatery. She watched the lights come on, one by one, as fathers came home to their families, and mothers set the night’s supper out, and exhaled dramatically. “Two nights. Two nights, and you’re still not here.” She looked over longingly at the woman lying in her bed, sticky with viscera and gore; “It’s ok, my love.” The vampire thought briefly of the hundreds of birds camped at Aradia’s grave; “I too, can wait.”

She smiled to herself, revisiting some highlights of the night before with her newest plaything – a young, raven haired woman from Napoli named Guillia. Luna had chosen her, because of the ways she reminded her of her beloved romnij witch; lithe and caramel skinned – an enigmatic morsel with bewitching eyes ... and, as it turned out, very skilled fingers. She had been a lively and good humored girl, who was apparently backpacking through Sicily as part of her ‘year of self discovery.’

What nonsense, she thought.

“Excuse me, Madame Luna?” A small, rotund man with slicked back hair, oily skin, and a pencil-thin mustache entered the room; respectfully keeping his distance.

“What is it?” asked Luna impatiently, drawn from her musings. The man shifted from one foot to the other, nervously glancing at the bloody body still on the Madame’s bed. He absently licked his lips.

Broiled! No, ROASTED! He thought, fresh garlic, minced. Some locally pressed olive oil, rosemary… a little thyme, maybe?

He cleared his throat; “Will you be needing breakfast, Donna Luna?” He loosened his ascot, and unbuttoned his collar, exposing his neck.

Luna, still gazing ahead at the city, said; “No. Thank you, Vincent.”

Vincent re-buttoned his collar, tidied his tie, and smoothed out his pinstripe suit, easing a bit. “Very good. When you are ready Madame, I will update you on the details of today.” He glanced back at the woman lying peacefully on her side, as though deep in a dream – his stomach growled.

Salt, pepper, dijon mustard... parsnips?

“Fine, fine,” Luna replied, half listening. It was now quite a long time ago, and yet, she could still recall the circumstances of her dark transition with perfect clarity. One does not forget one’s vampiric rebirth, after all. With her embrace, she had risen the very next night in her full glory, marveling at the newness of it all – ravenous. Powerful. “I did EVERYTHING right,” she muttered. Then, in a lightning flash of angry frustration, she spun around and was suddenly upon the man, having moved faster than thought. Before Vincent knew what was happening, an enraged predator was holding him up against the wall, her hands at his neck – his feet nearly a foot from the floor. “Where is my prize, you little Guinea shit?!” Spit and blood bubbled through her clenched teeth, her black eyes bored through him like hot pokers. The man struggled in vain, and clawed with futility at Luna's grip, terrified but also … deeply aroused.

His voice was strained and raspy, a trickle of urine dribbled from his pant leg; “I don’t know, my mistress!” The vampire hissed and with one hand threw Vincent down, who curled into a ball, quailing. Luna put her hands up and out, and took a slow, even breath.

“Of course you don’t, you illiterate bug.” She glowered at the groveling man and smirked.

Pathetic.

Thoughtfully, slowly, she raised a well pedicured foot, and presented it to him. Without hesitation, Vincent placed it tenderly in his hands and reverently kissed it, quietly moaning as he did; “This little piggy went to market...” He began.

She grinned; “Good boy.”

He had barely made it to the third ‘little piggy,’ when Luna, finally bored, kicked him away. In an instant, she had returned to her vista, and continued to gaze down at the city just as the last of the street lights came on.. “Eat what you want and then clean … that ... up.” She gestured at the bed, disgusted.

Vincent scuttled to the remains, and hungrily gathered it up into his arms, drool beginning to froth at the corners of his mouth. “Yes my mistress. Thank you, my Mistress. You are as generous as you are beautiful, my Mistress!”

Luna waved him away. “Go, pig.” He tossed the girl around his shoulders, his lips smacking, and backed quickly out of the room without saying another word. She closed her eyes and counted to ten in a half-hearted attempt at regaining her calm..“Where are you, my pet?”

...

 

 

4/02/25

Gen X Stuff

I am going to illustrate for you what being gen x is to me. So sit back and cuddle up, because it's story time with Bibi Felicia!

Brought to you by the number 69 and the letter “F” – keeping you well stocked with fucks through the most frustrating of times. 
 
Picture it! 1978.


This was the year that I learned two new vocabulary words: "Asthma" and "Allergies." This was also the year I learned about asphyxiation, when my wind pipe suddenly and unexpectedly snapped shut, rendering me unconscious. I don't remember much about that, but apparently I died for two whole minutes. So fast forward a bit to the hospital where I had been revived to find me out of sorts – wheezing and sputtering like an old car. 
 
It turns out I had asthma. If you don't know what that feels like, get an old drinking straw, flatten it out, and try to breathe through ONLY IT for a few moments. WARNING: you may pass out!
 
I was put through many uncomfortable tests in the following days... the worst one was a scratch test. This where a doctor called an “allergist,” injects a tiny bubble of concentrated evil called "allergens" juuuussst under the surface of your skin. They do this in a kind of grid – to see what happens!
 
So, these “doctors” covered my entire back with these poisons – which hurt me like fire – only to watch me adversely react to EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.
 
Yup! Turns out I was allergic to literally EVERYTHING: animals, dust, mold and mildew, detergents, cleaners – the air... you get the point.
 
I was also allergic to all food stuffs except, I am told, red meat and oranges. Yum! 
 
Now, just to throw this out there: they were still figuring out antihistamines back then, and epipens, which were only developed the year before, were not made available to the general public until sometime around 1987 ish.
 
So what sage advice did my chain smoking doctor offer my mom? He said -- and I am quoting because it's a day I will NEVER forget; “Just let her eat whatever. She'll EVENTUALLY build up a tolerance.” In case you are wondering, that's the medical equivalent to “walking it off.” Yeah. 

Needless to say, I spent a lot of time in emergency rooms until I turned twelve and sure enough, my body did a complete 180 and was no longer asthmatic. 
 
And except for fur, a weed called “goldenrod,” maybe crabs? and kiwi fruit, I am allergy free. The lesson here, is that we are all stronger than we think, so don't give up, even if it kills you!
 
Toodles bitches!!