5/21/12

Seeing the Light

“I catch hold of one thing and another; later things will arrange themselves and settle into shape of their own accord. But here I will not begin with a prearranged plan; on the contrary, I want my plan to result from my studies. As yet I do not know the real character of the country; now I draw everything that presents itself, but later on, after some experience, I shall try to reproduce it in its real character…”

— Excerpt from a leter from Vincent Van Gogh to Theo Van Gogh, drenthe, 12 October 1883



In art school, aside from absorbing technique, perspective and anatomy, color theory, composition and getting in some sweet studio time, you burn a lot of calories studying the usual suspects of art history – analyzing the “How” and “Why” they created what they created, and when. As a result, I have many art heroes: Michelangelo for his passion and devotion, Leonardo for his keen scientific approach, Mucha for his sensitivity, Dali and Picasso for their genius and innovation. And like many fellow art school geeks, I also spent a good amount of time studying the impressionists. This is my favorite period of art. The impressionists were all about seeing beyond convention. They seemed to exist in a place where intellect and inspiration mingled with the bittersweet, candid passing of the everyday moment. Perhaps, this new take on life was brought on by the invention of the camera, calling to mind the type of old family snapshots you might happen upon while rummaging around in your grandmother’s attic.

Never the less, the notion of studying the light and expressing its reactions within the context of the impressionist’s eye has much to do with understanding the color spectrum and how time of day, emotion and even season change can affect the impact it has on a wide range of subject matter. Waves of tall grass tickling the sky on a windy day, dancers preparing for a show, a couple surrendering their sorrows to the hallucinogenic properties of absinthe, even a bright and starry night, swirling high above a sleeping metropolis can become something more than just a mundane moment if cast in the right light. And for many of the impressionists, Van Gough for instance, the right light could only really be found off the Mediterranean coast, in the “Cote D’Azur.”



So when I was offered the chance to spend a couple of months crashing with friends along the French Riviera as guests in Cogolin: the sleepy, French-provincial village that time forgot – I freaked out like a 1960’s teen-aged girl at a Beatles concert.

Seriously.

It’s one thing to read about color theory and have a working knowledge of light and atmospheric perspective, it’s quite another to see it in action. Of course, I’ve been applying these theories to my urban life… cities remain for me a bottomless pit of inspiration, forever flooding me with unexpected and willing subject matter. Add to this, compounding years of unquenchable wanderlust and you begin to get a sense of why I refer to myself as the “Artist at Large.” I’ve traveled to, through and spent some time exploring every continental state in the U.S.. I’ve taken stock of the multitude of historic landmarks, roadside attractions and strange, out-of-the-way corners that this land of ours has to offer, along the way capturing and analyzing the things that pique my artistic curiosity. We live in a multifaceted, beautiful and diverse country. Sadly, not enough of us see that as a good thing… however, not to be diverted… my point here is that I have seen the light through more filters than I can count. The bald bulb glare of the Utah Salt Flats, the Texan sky, so vast and clear, you can actually see where the horizon begins to curve down. Then, there’s the blurry, smeared orange light of Mississippi in the summer, the surreal, life altering glow of Arizona’s Painted Desert, just as the top edge of the sun dips out of view… endless, endless filters.



I discovered my favorite American light source on my way home from a long month on the road in June, 2007. Close to the California border, just out of Nevada, there’s a small, winding road off the main highway. I took it on recommendation of my fellow traveler and navigator, with the hope of getting us home a day sooner. Sadly, the name escapes me but regardless... I followed a river up the side of a mountain and back down into a valley where light was reborn amongst the redwoods and sequoias, becoming prismed, the way it would through the rose window of a cathedral. It danced on leaves and floated down in rays, twinkling like glitter and refracting within the calm waters of the neighboring river like diamonds. It was so beautiful; I had to keep reminding myself to breathe. “This,” I thought, “is why they called this land ‘California.’”

One legend claims that "California" means “heaven on earth.”

That said, I’ve never seen light like the way it is here in the Gulf of St. Tropez.

If you’ve ever flown anywhere and pressed your nose against your window as the plane makes its decent, you might notice a band of burnt orange nestled in between where the sky and the ground meet. That’s pollution and it acts like a lens filter changing the light, which in turn affects the color of everything it touches. Here on the ground, we’ve become so accustomed to the ambient light, that we’re not likely to even notice. Of course, depending on where you’re landing, this tell-tale band may be anything from a faint, subtle change in tint to a dense, almost opaque haze like you see when you fly into L.A.. The thing is, I’ve never NOT seen it – until recently, when I flew into Europe on the invite of a Belgian gallery. I want to say that this is the reason the light is so different, but I can’t really be certain.



Anyway.

Being here, experiencing the light in similar settings to some of the most innovative minds in art history has been more valuable to me than any formalized schooling. And like a small child, I’ve been actively seeing –experiencing everything around me as though for the first time. The trees, vested in vines, are a sonnet of every hue in the Green gamut, Black and Grey. Depending on the time of day, shadows spread out in wide abstract pools of Blue-Violet, Violet or sometimes even a deep Red-Violet, as though someone knocked over a bucket of paint. And against all this lush, intensely saturated plant life are bright Red daubs of Poppies and spatters of wildflowers exploding like fireworks in Oranges and Yellows. Everywhere you look, along the sides of roads, against the dusky hillsides – is a painter’s wet dream.



I attribute this arrogant display of tints and hues to the truly unique light I have found here. Its balance of both temperature and clarity turns the sky into a specific shade of cerulean that causes the world beneath it to vibrate with a static charge that you can almost feel. Colors pop and hum with an intensity that leads one to believe that if you were to reach out and touch it, your hand would come away wet with paint. The scenery alone is staggeringly succulent but when you add in the neighboring architecture and loose, pastel linen attire of the locals reflecting a summer sunset and cut that against the deep sapphire hue of the Mediterranean, it’s no wonder why so many travelers become lost here.

Imagine being Van Gough, alone in a field fighting against time and the elements to capture not just the colors he saw but the way they felt. The way they moved in playful union with the wind, flickering and sparkling… every vista more gorgeous than the last… a deeply religious man experiencing rapture first hand for so long that he had no choice but surrender to it.

I’m an artist that prides herself on being a master of technique. True enough, my work is constantly mistaken for the less-than-romantic digital methods that I openly shun and actively avoid. To me, painting – brush in hand, the feel of raw pigment claiming a virgin board versus the disconnected, formulaic approach afforded me by contemporary design software, is like comparing the heated feel of unhinged passionate lovemaking to internet porn. No thank you. But for all my skill at presenting the perfect beauty of imperfection, my desire to create the reddest Red or the bluest Blue – I worry that I may not be able to accurately capture the subtle impressionistic overload of this one-of-a-kind paradise… it’s a long overdue challenge that I willfully embrace: can I finally, utterly and completely submit to my senses?

Only time will tell.

11/23/09

My Official, One-On-One Interview With Jesus Christ

Like many descendants of the Italian-American immigration boom of the early twentieth century, I was raised exceptionally catholic. And as an exceptionally good catholic, I dutifully checked holy sacraments off my metaphysical to-do list, attended C.C.D. (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine), worked the altar for the high mass with the extended homily and even spent a good amount of time practicing my pious gesticulations in the mirror;

“Blahblahblah…(confim.)”
“Blahblahblah…(deny.)”

Grooming myself, as they say, for ministry. This made my family very happy which in turn, made me very happy, as I could now use my future Papal seat and the threat of excommunication to fend off the near daily atomic wedgies, choke holds and the ever hilarious, “hang-the-little-guinea-by-her-ankles-until-she-passes-out-then-take-all-her-clothes-off-and-throw-them-in-the-pool” gag from any one of a dozen greaser cousins.

You see, in the Sicilian community, having a preacher in the family is much like having a friend waiting at the back door of a movie theater to sneak you in. Suddenly, you become a living golden ticket, a “get-out-of-hell-free card” and EVERYONE wants a piece of you. People start giving you things as though they were making payments on an insurance policy like; a personalized copy of the bible or a rosary carved from the remnants of the cross or a recipe for communal wafers or… myrrh.

Then one day, tragically, I turned eleven and “discovered myself". I’ll spare you the gruesome details save to say that I did not; in fact; ultimately decide to become a pastor, much to my family’s collective dismay. No, I instead went to art school and spent much of my off time exploring the full potential of my discovery.

The elders in my family remain veiled in black to this very day. True story.

So, you could imagine my surprise when, twenty five years later, one of my house plants unexpectedly burst into flame and began emitting in a thunderous, albeit hurried, somewhat nasally voice: “The following message is from the office of the Lord your GOD, please stand by…” Then, in a puff of smoke the plant went out. A moment or two went by of me checking to make sure that I was still wearing clean underwear, when the plant abruptly re-ignited and boomed:

“This is the Lord your GOD, here… How’s it going,’ kid?”

I looked into the flames, frantic for an appropriate response. “Uhh… Could be better, could be worse, your godship sir?” If a flaming ficus could nod approvingly, then this one did: hallelujah.

Then his godliness spoke: “Fine, fine. Glad to hear it. OK so, here it is: There’s been a lot going on down there that I just don’t like… wars, corruption, reality entertainment – it’s Babylon all over again. And while I’d like to step in with a flood or a meteor or something, well, it’s just not my thing anymore. Besides, I promised I’d let you guys handle things and I’m nothing if not a god of my word.” I nodded stupidly, humbled by an obscure sense of déjà vu. “But,” continued the plant, “the fact remains that SOMETHING needs to be done and quick – the End Times is still a good ways off and I simply refuse to be hurried, you follow me?”

“Yes, sir.” I said, instinctively falling to my knees for indeed, I did “Follow.”

“Therefore,” said the Lord, “it is after much consideration that I have decided to grant you and you alone, an exclusive, one-on-one interview.”

Then I answered and said, “Uhh, an interview sir?”

“Yes.” Said the Lord. “You will compose ten questions which shall then be answered with ten replies filled with the poignant, candid honesty of the Holy Spirit and then present this transcript to the world’s media elders and with I as your witness you shall say unto them; ‘the Lord GOD has spoken unto me and these are the words thus spoken!’ Or, you know, something along those lines. Feel free to ad lib.”

Again I answered the highest of highs and said; “Ad lib? Your godliness, are you suggesting that I ‘wing’ an interview with you?”

“Wing -- what? Hah! No, you won’t be interviewing me, kid. No, no, no.” Said the Lord, “The full magnitude of my actual presence in the room with you would snap your fragile human intellect like a twig. No, I’m sending you my son, instead.”

“Your son, sir?!?” I exclaimed, suddenly lightheaded, “Jesus Christ!”

“Yes, exactly.” Replied the Lord. “My boy Yahshua. His flight is just coming in; you should expect him within the hour.” And with that, my house plant again went out in a puff of smoke, leaving behind the charred, smoldering remnants of what was once a hearty and easy to maintain Ficus Religiosa.

The next half hour was a blur of preparation as I did my best to make my crappy little apartment as presentable as possible. I called a few friends; “Ok, I’m Jesus and you get to ask me one question – GO!”

I brushed my teeth.
I put on a face.
I skimmed through the New Testament, anticipating a pop quiz and breathed deeply into a brown paper bag.

Somehow, I had been chosen to represent the entirety of humanity. Me. The gal who had once felt up Maureen Houlihan in a confessional during her brother’s christening. Was this Judgment day? Was I really going to hell like Sister Shelia once predicted?? Is there actually a hand-basket involved??? I ran to the nearest window, scanning the sky for falling brimstone when my panic was interrupted by two soft knocks at my door.

JESUS!

~~~

As I open the Door, I am greeted by a Middle Eastern man in his early thirties. He is lean, clean shaven and smells faintly of cloves. His shoulder length hair is pulled into a loose ponytail and he is casually dressed in flip-flops, an old pair of blue jeans and a tight fitting tee shirt with a graphic of a potato addressing an order of fast food fries with the inscription; “You’ve changed, man.”

Without saying a word, he sets his well-worn rucksack just inside the doorway and embraces me.

Jesus Christ: “Hey friend… thanks for seeing me on such short notice.”

Me: “Y-you’re joking, right?”

After a length of time bordering on uncomfortable, Jesus pulls away, pats me on the cheek, shuffles over to my trendy, overstuffed papasan and settles in.

JC: “Sweet place you have here. Much nicer than that hostel I was staying in.”

Me: “Where were you staying in a hostel?”

JC: “Amsterdam. I just spent the last year back-packing across Europe and that’s where I ended up.”

Me: “Amsterdam? You don’t say. I’ve never… h-h-how was it?”

JC: “Relaxing. Really, really relaxing.” (he winks at me)

Me: “That’s very… ah… illuminating. Uhm, can I get you something to drink or eat – are you hungry?”

JC: “Oh no, thank you. I ate on the flight over. Some milk and honey would be nice, though…if you have it.”

I hurry to the kitchen and quickly microwave a glass of milk and grab a fistful of KFC honey packs from the fridge.

Me: “Please don’t take this the wrong way Jesus sir, but you don’t look anything like your pictures.”

JC: (shrugs) “Gotta love the renaissance, right? (grins slightly) I WISH I was that ripped. (laughs) Might explain all that fuss at the airport, though. “Randomly selected” my tuckas.”

Me: “Aw CRAP! Really?!”

JC: “It wasn’t as bad as all that... the guard was very gentle. And afterwards, he gave me a lollipop.”

Me: “Sir, on behalf of the entire human race – I am very, really and truly sorry.”

JC: “Oh, it’s OK. Honestly. I completely understand… things are a real mess right now... which is why we’re here today, having this little interview. Besides, it could’ve been a whole lot worse. (holds up his hands) ”

Me: “Yikes! Why do those look so… y’know, current?”

JC: “Ignorance leaves wounds that never heal, my sister.”

Me: “That’s what’s up!” (the lord and i fist-bump)

JC: “This is fun.” (Jesus claps to himself, lightly) “So, do you have your questions ready?”

Me: “Wha? - Uh... Yeah but before we begin, I have to know: why me Jesus?”

JC: “Why you what?”

Me: “Why was I chosen for this interview?”

JC: “Ah. I drew your name out of a hat.”

Me: “I’m sorry, did you say a… a hat?”

JC: “Yes, my father is very fond of hats, especially derbies.”

Me: “Hats. GOD is fond of… hats. Seriously.”

JC: “Well, ever since the Paleolithic Period when he started going bald…”

Me: “…”

JC: “Anyway, he wrote down the name of every living human over the age of four onto little scraps of paper, put them into his hat and then I closed my eyes, reached in, picked one out and well… there you go.”

Me: “So… you’re saying we’re here today -- in my living room -- because of a sort of lottery?”

JC: “A lottery, that’s right. Its how most decisions in the universe are made, actually. Keeps things fair – are you… alright? You look kind of pale.”

Me: “You’ll have to excuse me… my mind’s kind of blown right now. Maybe we should just get started.”

JC: “I’m ready whenever you are.”

I check the counter on the recorder I have going, tap the mic to test the levels and make the appropriate notations on my ledger.

Me: “Ahem. Check, check, check… uhm… The following is my interview with our lord and savior, the messiah and one true son of GOD. Yahshua, bother, teacher -- Jesus Christ, welcome.”

JC: “Shalom, beloved and if I may? A very happy forthcoming Festivus to you as well.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

JC: “You know, ‘a Festivus for the rest of us?’ Seinfeld??”

Me: “Uhh, Seinfeld, Lord?”

JC: “Funny, funny guy…”

Me: “I-I didn’t realize you were a fan.”

JC: “Are you kidding?! The Soup Nazi? The contest?? (chuckles) Genius.”

Me: “You don’t say.”

JC: “Oh absolutely. If he had been my opening act, y’know, instead of that leper -- things might have gone much differently during my ministry.”

Me: “Wow. I am SO reminded of this joke I once heard…”

* The next few moments of the Lord and I exchanging off-color jokes involving priests and rabbis walking into various bars have been omitted for the sake of time and in the name of tact. *


JC: “Forgot the Tip! Ha! That’s Hilarious… WHOOO!”

Me: “Yes, well… thank you… anyway, let’s let that lead into my first question; which path or ‘religion,’ if you will – is the correct one?”

JC: “Well, that kind of depends on you, don’t you think?”

Me: “Not the answer I was expecting – could you expand on that?”

JC: “Sure. Religion is a subjective and uniquely individualistic experience. What works for you, may not work for someone else… and that’s totally OK. The point of a religion or any organized life philosophy for that matter, is to help keep you focused on your connection to the world around you. For many, it’s a cultural unifier, a way to feel some sense of purpose within a group. Belonging, as it were. In my experience, I’ve observed that people often find comfort in community. But then there are others who think outside the box and set out for a greater sense of oneness. Some choose to rely on their intuition while there are those who choose a more intellectual route. Ultimately, what does it matter? The point is to live your life as best as you can. And, if you can get through life learning through adversity and savoring happiness where you find it and to do so without harming others along the way – awesome.”

Me: “Having said that, do you ever think that there can be peace in the Middle East?”

JC: “Peace doesn’t just happen. You have to work at it – learn to compromise and try to meet people half way.”

Me: “Agree to disagree?”

JC: “Something like that, yes.”

Me: “Well, so far, we seem to really suck at it. What might you suggest?”

JC: “Honestly, I don’t know anymore. Every time someone comes along talking about goodwill and love and treating people as you would want to be treated, you nail them to a tree. Or if some poor soul even suggests that you try imagining it, you gun them down in a confused rage. Dad help anyone who ‘has a dream.’ But if I were to really think about it, I might offer you two words; ‘Time Share.’ At this point, what can it hurt?”

Me: “I suppose there are worse ideas…”

JC: “Then instead of guns and suicide bombers, you’d have rental agreements and guys maniacally grinning at you with their crazy, larger-than-life capped teeth offering you a free getaway in exchange for a half hour of your time so that I can get stuck with one third of a condo I never use… by the way, dear, have you ever been to Colorado?”

Me: “Yes. Once, and I got altitude sickness. So when can we expect your big comeback?”

JC: “If you were me, and everywhere you went there were people sporting charms and iconography of your dead and mutilated corpse -- would you plan a comeback?”

Me: “Point taken. Moving on… there are those of us who truly feel your fathers absence in these modern times – care to comment?”

JC: “Dad? Absent?? I guess I could see that. He’s been pretty preoccupied with his current project.”

Me: “Oh?”

JC: “Opposite end of the galaxy. Humanity 4.0.”

Me: “I’m not sure I heard you right, did you say… four?”

JC: “Yeah, the first two versions never went much beyond the research and development phase.”

Me: “Seriously?”

JC: “Oh for sure. Believe me, you’re glad he got over that whole ‘tentacle’ thing… involved a lot of mucus and was ultimately pointless and kinda gross.”

Me: “Please tell me that you’re just messing with me…”

JC: (here, the lord merely shrugs.)

Me: “OK then... here’s one that a buddy of mine suggested – Do you have any super powers, like can you fly or bend steel bars with your mind?”

JC: “Whoa! That would be pretty cool… no, but how about this… clear your thoughts and visualize a playing card -- but don’t tell me what it is!”

Me: “Oh, a card trick. Alright…”

Suddenly, I am overcome by an intense coughing fit, resulting in a casino style playing card jettisoning out of my mouth and onto the floor. It’s the queen of hearts. The exact card I had pictured only a moment before.

JC: “Ta-da!”

Me: “Wow! That was amazing. (hack) Unnecessary and a little slimy but still (cough, cough) – pretty amazing.”

JC: “Keep that card, in remembrance of me.”

Me: “I… will… Uh, thank you. So… what’s heaven like?”

JC: “It’s like the happiest you’ve ever felt EVER, times a million, on a loop – all the time, always.”

Me: “Disneyland on shrooms. Got it. Let’s see… Ah… Here we go… You’ve been quoted saying; ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’ Really?”

JC: “Well… See, that’s what you’d call a metaphor… I’m also not actually a lamb, in case you had any follow-up questions in that regard.”

Me: “Hey look, if I’ve offended you…”

JC: “No. Don’t be silly, I’m not offended… and I apologize if I seemed curt. It’s just that I get so tired of constantly being misquoted. People don’t take Lau Tzu or the Buddha so literally… why am I the lucky one?”

Me: “Perhaps if you were more direct? Y’know, spell out the truth in a way that would prevent corrupt religious and political leaders from preying on the rest of us by twisting your words to suit their evil needs and agendas?”

JC: “sibling, if history has taught us anything, it’s that people don’t want the truth – what they want, is confirmation of what they believe the truth to be.”

Me: “I see.”

JC: “And apparently, ‘HD’ everything.”

Me: “What makes you say that?”

JC: “You might be surprised. People pray for the weirdest things…”

Me: “Then you do hear prayers! I honestly thought that was all a bunch of – Uhm... Do you handle those directly or do you outsource to other deities?”

Here, the Lord glares at me -- apparently displeased with my off-handed remark.

Me: “Er… Ah… allow me to rephrase that... do prayers ever get answered?”

JC: “Yes, but not always and then – only to a point.”

Me: “I’m not sure I understand.”

JC: (jesus takes a breath) “It’s quite complicated and all depends on how and what you’re praying for... wait… I’ll start again. Essentially, I… I try to deal with prayer on a case-by-case basis. For example, if you were to pray for strength or clarity or wisdom, you could be assured of a prompt and positive response.”

Me: “But what if I prayed for… say… a promotion or a nicer house or increased musculature?”

JC: “There. That’s exactly my point. I’m not a genie, OK? You don’t rub on the bible or some holy relic and expect me to spontaneously appear and POOF! grant your every wish. That’s’ idiotic and quite frankly, a little racist. Besides, that’s not how prayer works. Prayer is about meditating on what is good in your life and what is not. If you want a promotion, work harder. If you want a nicer house, either re-decorate or move, man. And bigger muscles? Don’t be so lazy! Why do you think you were given free will in the first place? You’re given what you’re given and take it from there. Anyone who thinks otherwise has COMPLETELY missed the point of my teachings.”

Me: “I can see that this is real bone of contention for you…”

JC: “Please. Don’t get me started.”

Me: “Yes. Well, just so you know – this next question was my grandmother’s idea.”

JC: “Lay it on me.”

Me: “What was the deal with you and Mary Magdalene, I mean were you and her – uhm… That is, did you ever… Y’know…”

JC: “Hook up?” (shaking his head) “Thank you, Dan Brown.”

Me: “Too personal?”

JC: “A bit… there was that one retreat… (he blushes) You know what? Rather than completely derail this interview and potentially scar my credibility, I will -- how do you Americans put it? ‘plead the Fifth?’”

Me: “Fair enough.… my Gram will never let me live it down, but I totally get it. Well then… this brings us to my final question: what, in your opinion sir, is the meaning of life?”

JC: “Oh that’s easy. The meaning of life, of course, is to live it.”

At that, Jesus waves a hand over his empty glass which then abruptly fills with what appears to be a vintage port. Before downing his drink, he tips the glass in my direction:

JC: “L'chaim.”

Me: “Alright now, see -- that’s just cool.”

JC: (smirks) “I have my moments.”

Me: “Well Jesus, thank you so very much for this eye opening and somewhat unsettling interview. Hopefully, it will reach the minds of those who need it the most.”

JC: “I’ll certainly keep my fingers crossed.”

There’s a flash of light and what sounds like a hundred party balloons popping simultaneously and then he and his rucksack are gone. Just like that. On the floor, is his half-full glass of fine port and a still soggy queen of hearts casino style playing card.

10/29/08

Paradigm

This is another entry taken from my private journal. I was recalling a conversation with a friend who, not too long ago, engaged me in a talk on objectification which segued into artistic philosophy; my favorite topic. Later that night I jotted down a few notes with the intent on revisiting these ideas, became distracted by my easel and subsequently forgot all about it.

Recently, I came across said notes which sparked the following line of thought:

~~~

I am confounded, daily, by the ebb and flow of tangible practicality and the ether of possibility. There is a nagging sense of being lost; adrift in numeric calculations, historical palindromes and the crudely rendered abominations of humanity that incessantly clang about in my peripheral thinking, humming. There is a tether of will and determination anchored just behind my eyes that holds fast my concept of reality. This is how I hide: how I can foolishly plow through my seemingly non-sequential days without screaming.

Is this Zen?

When I paint, this tether unspools, releasing me into the smothering embrace of creative methodology. Christians, Buddhists, Pagans, even Atheists, filling their emptiness with self validating subjugation, are sadly off point. This is god. This is what life is.

In the name of the line, the pigment; the wholly mad muse, I am born again: baptized in tangent thinking and mediums and subjectivity. As awareness in this rebirth deepens, it becomes increasingly difficult to perpetuate the falseness of a linear existence. Instead, my attention is diverted to the unseen and the unheard which, in turn, leaves me vulnerable and bare; a conduit of unfiltered perception.

Socially, it is believed that one should not objectify another. Obviously, I agree that no one should be treated like an inanimate object however, as an artist; objectification is a vital skill to be mastered. Without it, it is impossible to correctly manifest an honest artistic interpretation.

Everywhere I look, everything I see, comes with a detailed schematic outlining the every day. I am constantly aware of Vanishing Points, geometric patterns and the color of light. When I meet someone, I do not see a person called “John” or “Mary;” I see planes and angles, calligraphic lines and subtle variations in hue that represent “John” or “Mary.” When I’m working, this is a useful tic. Unfortunately, it’s not something I can turn on or off. Making eye contact can therefore be problematic, especially when I am horribly and vividly aware of so many origins and insertions and joints and tendons and movements and processes…

If I had to draw a summation of my life’s work thus far, I’d have to say it’s been an illustrated depiction of a troubled mind stumbling about in the dark: desperate for light.

In light there is art and in art I trust.

9/20/08

Act of Contrition

Wednesday.

I have been floating in and out of a nasty depression for nearly a year and not knowing exactly why or how to get past it is really frustrating the hell out of me. It’s the longest low I can recall, even since the dark times of my 20’s. It’s bad. I keep getting tripped up by intrusive thinking. I think about what it’d be like to let myself drown in the tub or to overdose on pain medication or what throwing myself under a speeding truck might feel like; a mouthful of coppery blood, dislocation, Cadaver Expasim. The big question realized. It’s more existential musing than an actual plan for suicide.

This is when, in the past, I’d cut myself; small gashes on my thighs, my arms – my chest.

The need to cut is difficult to explain, like the need to drink or the need to fix or the need to cum; the sudden flood of adrenaline, the hot rush of survival, the purity of release. For a few moments you live in a sense of aching oneness, of absolute calm. In those few moments, there’s only right now.

Right now, I’m cut.
Right now, there’s blood.
Right now, I’m alive.

If you accept that psychology is actually a science and not just a dull reflection of carnival fortune telling, then I am what convention refers to as a “High Functioning, Rapid Cycling Bipolar.” Whatever.

Fuck convention.

As an artist, I am at peace with my mental hiccups and consider myself in good company:

Vangough.
Poe.
Cobain.

An unrestful mind, a conflicted temperament; it’s the price of clarity.

So now, over the years and through considerable effort, I have become – for better or worse – self aware. This roughly translates to me being able to recognize when I’m spiraling up or crashing down, whether it’s due to some outside circumstance or if it’s merely chemical and then, how to deal with it. Yet despite my best attempts at optimism, positive influences and outlets – even self-analytical reasoning – I still get down. I can’t help it. I’m upset and can’t quite put my finger on why. This doesn’t, however, mean I need to be drugged.

Been there.
Done that.
Moved on.

And, this isn’t to say that I haven’t gotten caught up in the occasional quick fix. Call it a lapse in judgment, but really, truly, medication just isn’t an option for me; I learned that the hard way. Pills are an easy convenience that society uses to sweep us under the carpet. Detachment is the American way, after all. I mean, why learn how to cope and take hold of your own life when you can just shut down and let someone else do it for you? Whether we’re talking about Lamictal or Heroin, Lithium or Bourbon, Zoloft or Marijuana, all it really is, is a numbing agent, an escape. It doesn’t actually help you; it just pacifies you so that those around you can stop feeling bad about themselves.

Frankly, I’m better than that so, I box. I push myself to the breaking point, fighting through the hurt until I’m high with exhaustion. Perhaps, it’s the manifestation of internalized conflict looking for closure or maybe it’s a baser, alpha need to hit something. The means don’t concern me, only the ends. The ends of course, being a coping mechanism that allows me to reset; to keep from going numb and at the least, I’m not cutting anymore.

I realize that this line of thinking can make people very uncomfortable. I’m OK with that. Maybe they worry and want to help in some way. Maybe they’ve been there. I couldn’t say. Maybe they really do want to help or maybe -- they’re just afraid of this level of honesty.

1/14/08

ARGH.

So. I've been hearing from some of you; "Hey, how's that book of yours coming along?"

"Is it done yet?"
"
Is it done yet?"
"Is it done yet?"

NO. It is not. I seem to have a bad case of Imagination Constipation. That is, I have writer's block. I must. I sit at the computer everyday for about an hour and stare hopelessly at that goddamned blinking cursor wishing something would happen.

Monkeys flying out of my butt.
Spontaneous combustion.
Anything.

But nothing does so, I just read over what I have written.

Again and again and again and again and again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again and again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again and again
and again and again and again and again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and and again and again and again and again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again again and again and again again and again and again and again...

1/06/08

Missing Boy Linked To Squirrel Insurrection



Excerpt taken from Red Star's field journal:
December 20th, Day 100. 27 degrees Fahrenheit.


Personal commentary:
Midwestern squirrels, who – I've decided, are all named Buddy and Loretta, are a completely different breed than their coastal, chain smoking city equivalents If you've visited NYC or SFO then you know the type: skinny, paranoid, self-destructive… In many ways, it is apparent that the fallout resulting from great National Pigeon Uprising of 2010, has left a lingering mark on the local Sciurini tribes... (shudder)

Observations:
At any rate, the Eastern Gray Squirrel (Sciurus carolinensis), or as they are more commonly known: the Grey Squirrel, look as though they’ve spent some time in the gym doing Pilate's or perhaps, spinning. Every morning, just after sun-up, they congregate atop the dumpster in the alley behind our apartment, drinking coffee, joking and "talking smack" about the neighbors as they peruse electrical schematics of the city…

To be sure, they’ve unionized.

Sometimes, as I’m hiding in the bushes, I see them running wire up to the power lines or coaxial cable along the ground to certain trees or even siphoning gas from nearby SUVs. As much as I’d like to, I dare not approach them.

Last week, (Day 96) soon after I got settled into my usual observation point, I watched – rather stupefied, as a local boy, wrapped comically in a red and grey argyle scarf, burst out of seemingly nowhere and – armed to the teeth with tightly packed snowballs, proceeded to launch an obviously well planned (if not completely unprovoked) ground-to-air-strike against the squirrel community during one of their morning meetings when sadly, they are at their most vulnerable.

With grim fascination, I looked on in horror as Buddy – who had just opened his thermos for what was to be his first cup of coffee for the day, took two slushballs to the chest and one to the head. Loretta, with no regard for her own safety, ran to him, crushing his limp body to her snow-splattered bosom, screaming; “SQUEAK SQUEAKER SQUEAK SQUEAK!” again and again; “SQUEAK SQUEAKER SQUEAK SQUEAK!!” as a barrage of snow and ice exploded around her.

The rest of the squirrels – unsure of what had just happened, ran for cover as the local kid, obviously tweaked out on sugarplums and Redbull, ducked down another alley where he immediately vanished behind what was later determined to be a disemboweled, late model Ford.

Now, days later, just as Loretta finishes scattering Buddy’s ashes at the foot of the dumpster, a large, balding squirrel – Buddy, approaches and hands her a neatly folded red and grey argyle scarf.

Fascinating.

Additional commentary:
Perhaps justice was served and perhaps it wasn't. I do not judge, only observe. For me, day 96 shall forever be the day I witnessed my first run-by snowballing and while I hope it's my last, I can see now that this is the beginning of something much, much larger...

10/11/07

Letter To My Mother (first draft)

Today, I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do: I took control of my life and put an end to a lifetime of emotional and psychological abuse. The following is the letter I sent to my mother. It is my first attempt at communication since January of this year.

I’ve been putting off writing this letter mostly because I was too angry to write it. Today, I felt clear-headed enough to do this...

The reason you haven’t heard from me and why I have dropped off the map is because of you. When you ask yourself why is this happening and whose to blame – you are.

This is all your fault.

Last Christmas, while you were driving the New York family nuts, the west coast clan did something we never did before: we talked.

And talked and talked and talked.

It was as though I was meeting my family for the first time and I have to say; it was easily the best holiday I’ve ever had.

Since my short stint in New York, I have been confronting all the members of my family about EVERYTHING you ever told me about them over the years. Imagine my rage as I have learned that none of it is true. Why you selfishly kept everyone away from me my whole life… Told me lies about them so I wouldn’t want to know them and stay away… I’ll never know and frankly, I could care less.

All I do know is that I wasted a good 25 years of my life being angry about things that don’t exist. I hated myself because I believed that everyone else hated me and I couldn’t understand why.

The intense isolation. The depression. The suicide attempts.

All of these things – based on lies that you told me -- Lies that I believed because I trusted you. Why would I NOT believe my own mother? At this point, I’m left with no choice but to disregard everything you’ve ever said.

What’s wrong with you?! How could you do this to your own Daughter? Are you really that selfish?? That controlling and manipulative???

(at least now, I am getting a second chance at the life I’ve always hoped for)

I’ve learned that this is nothing new… Yes, I heard what you said to the Florida family about me. I worked so hard to clean that shit hole you live in, give it a fresh coat of paint and make it something bright and cheerful and pleasant again… for what? So you can bad mouth me behind my back?? Insult my friends and chosen family??? Fuck you.

I might consider a reconciliation if you:

1. Seek psychological counseling and
2. Tell the entire family that you are a liar and apologize to them.

AFTER you’ve done this and under the supervision of your therapist I will consider seeing and speaking to you again. This last condition is mostly because I don’t want to be alone in the same room with you, as you’re bad for my mental health, but also because I won’t believe you if you tell me that you’re getting help.

Sleep in the bed you’ve made, bitch.

10/07/07

Trust the process

As I draw a close to this: the first week of this beautifully insane experiment, I am reminded of how emotionally, psychologically and physically taxing the creative process can be.

The terror.
The bubbling insecurities and self doubt.
The figurative self-flagellation.

I won't let this stop me. If this was easy, I wouldn't care and I'd never do it. Take my uncle: without even trying, he's this sickeningly talented artist but It comes so easy, that he's never taken it anywhere. It just doesn't matter to him. On the other hand, it's taken me something like twenty one years of continuous suffrage -- pushing myself beyond my limits -- to get where I'm at right now. The crazy part is, as far as I'm concerned and after all my efforts to this point -- I STILL feel like it's not enough.

It will never be enough, that's why I keep doing it -- trying to outdo myself with every brush stroke, every note, every alliteration. I know that as an artist, I have to let go and give in to the madness.

Because that's the point.

9/23/07

A Begining

The following is an excerpt taken from a story I hope to one day complete:

~~~ I Once read somewhere that “We are the imagination of ourselves...” – I’ve forgotten where – it could have been on a t-shirt, in a fortune cookie or in one of those shitty zines you find in shitty coffee shops… doesn’t matter. The point is, I never imagined my life turning out like this: wound up and twisted the wrong way.

Each of us starts out the same: a pure, shapeless lump of potential. I hate that word – “potential”. To me, it’s synonymous with “failure”. It means; "not good enough" or at best, “half assed”. Teachers tell parents that their kid has “potential” like it’s divine intervention. This wretched term translates to the parental ear as: “Your kid might discover a cure for cancer,” or “Your kid may become president,” or whatever their shortcomings and dis-proportioned expectations might be.

It seems that in many cases, these people only become parents to distract themselves from the sad truth of their own un-developed “potential.”

Sadly, when a teacher tells them that their kid has “potential”, all they’re really saying is that your kid’s not a moron – be happy…

My own family experience was no less frustrating. For my parents, having a child was an act of reconciliation… a way of vicariously reliving their own lives with a sharpened sense of hindsight – lucky me, I was their collaborated effort. Growing up, I envisioned carefully laid blueprints showing what on me was to go where and how.

“No, Dear,” My mother would say to my father, “Those are her lips.” I could see my father drinking gallons of milk and doubling up on iron and protein supplements months before clumsily coming too soon into my mother’s frustrated womb.

This is a night I often curse.

In my opinion, just because you can have children, doesn't mean you should. It often baffles me on how much bureaucratic bullshit you have to sift through just to obtain a driver’s license… Prospective parents, I think, should have to take a test.

“Sorry folks, you got 48 out of 100 points – 90 is passing.” BAM! Down comes the huge rubber stamp – ‘F’ in bright red neon. “Better luck next time.” This, of course, would send my father into a frenzy of male posturing.

“This is an outrage! Blah, blah, blah…” I can almost see him pounding on the table for punctuation as my mother calmly shoos him away. She always played the good cop.

“Can’t you bend the rules this one time?” She’d have those blueprints out at this point, drawing the clerk in closer, making eye contact and slightly licking her perfectly lined lips; “We’ve been working on this for quite some time.” The clerk, no doubt, is watching his line zigzag out the front door.

“I’m sorry ma’am,” he'd say severely, “No children for you.” He'd then motion to a nearby security guard; “In fact, I’m sending this officer home with you to collect any plants or animals you may have. Good day.”

Ah, but only in a perfect world would such a scene transpire. As it happens, I was born into this world a healthy, unassuming, eight pound lump of –“potential...”